antumbrac | After Trial Mingle

[ Rean listened rather closely and slowly it is telling the worry that washed all over his face at that. In fact it's all concern and nothing else for the moment. ]

Mikami...I'm sorry to hear that.

[ He'll look back to their surroundings for a moment, as in thought before his eyes land back on the other man. ]

I know, considering our situation, there's little that can be done now. But maybe...if things turn out okay, we can talk about a solution for you.

I don't think I want a solution.

[ That must be hard to any kind-hearted listener to accept. Even though Mikami has almost forgotten what kind-hearted people are like (he doesn't think he tends to meet them), he can at least understand the concept. ]

Kira. I've told you about my world's God before. I failed him. Even if I could, it would not be right of me to bounce back from that.

[ It was difficult to hear it. But strangely enough, part of him hadn't found it so strange. Maybe it's because he had heard those sentiments exactly, but phrased in an entirely different way before.

In the end, though, it's not enough to make him give up on Mikami. Even if he won't accept his help or solution, he wondered if he could find other ways to support him. ]

Can you tell me why it wouldn't be right for you to bounce back from that? I'd think that, if there's a chance in starting over a new leaf, it wouldn't hurt.

[ Silence stretches out for a longer moment. Mikami takes a deep breath, almost ready to say something, but then it takes another few times breathing in and out for him. ]

I let him die. I don't remember it. Something happened to me that made me lose my memories. I assume it's related to my originally impending death. But I let him die. There is no other conclusion. The moment I came to, the moment my memories begin again, there's a body in front of me. I know his name, though I've never seen him before. The people around us regard him in contempt, they call him 'Kira' was if it was a dirty word. I'm in handcuffs.

They bring me to jail. I can't go back because I'm.... [ His voice gives out here, for one brief moment, and his stoic voice starts getting a little frantic. He hates this! He hates everything he is saying! But it's true, all of it, and he can no longer pretend to be innocent and laugh in the face of justice that way. ] I'm a convicted criminal in the eyes of the world.

I don't remember my so-called 'crime' but it must have been helping him. And he died, still. Our whole world's salvation. I let him die. That's my real crime.

There is no forgiveness for a sin this heavy.

[ ...There was a lot to unpack here and Rean realized he was completely out of his depth in doing so. But, even so.

Here he was. Time to stumble right into it... ]

You said it yourself, Mikami:

You don't remember. Anything could've happened to you during that time, but I believe that it was due to events out of your control rather than your inaction. So I doubt that it's really your sin to bear.

...And now, you're still alive. If you want to go back to that reality or you're just not really looking for anything at all, that is entirely your choice.

But, Kira is gone now. There's no reason to keep thinking he has such a strong hold over your life. I also believe that maybe you have a chance and a choice to start a new life, Aidios willing. It's never too late for a second chance.

No. No, there are no second chances.

[ He's stopped giving those to other people long ago and the idea of becoming a hypocrite on top of it all is too much to bear. He can't make an exception for himself. That's dangerous. That makes him less and his conviction... that's all he has left for himself to cling to, brittle as it is in the face of his sins. ]

Once unrighteous, always unrighteous. People do not change. They may change the way they hurt others, but once fallen from grace, there is no saving them. That has been true before Kira and it will be true now - Kira is merely the embodiment of the principle the world works on. Purity of self is the highest value there can be. Once that is compromised....

There's only death. That's my atonement.

Edited 2020-02-03 14:17 (UTC)

No it's not.

[ That was an answer Rean could never accept for better or worse. And to top it off...some of those words sound similar to what Ulquiorra had said at one time. ]

I've seen people change, Mikami. I've seen it first hand, when the world was ending and even when someone had the option to sit by, doing nothing like some others, those who fought on the wrong side changed course. And that's just one example.

People are not always so unmoving and rigid individuals that it's impossible.

If they were, there'd be no such thing as redemption.

[ He'll take a breath. ]

Kira isn't the embodiment of a principle like the one you described. Especially if it means that you have to die - running away from that won't change that.

Edited 2020-02-03 15:39 (UTC)

[ That's right. There is no such thing as redemption, Mikami thinks to himself. He's tried time and time and time again to give people such chances and they won't take them. And clearly his life experiences are the only ones there ever can be. ]

That's easy for you to say so suddenly, but I don't think you have the knowledge or understanding necessary to understand the works of divinity in my world. You don't know anything of God beyond what I told you. You don't have the grounds to denounce him like that.

[ This wasn't going well but that summed up everything about today so it's fine. ]

I don't need to experience or know more than what you've told me than to say what needed to be said about him. A God whose ideals would mean that even people who deserve a second chance, like you, would end up dead doesn't sound like one that's worthy of your time!

[ Yeah, this is really... going excessively not well. Mikami might have had his life turned upside down and his morals might be eroding slightly, but he's not ready to toss away what he believed in all his life at the drop of a dime. His expression hardens considerably. ]

Nobody is deserving of a second chance. Certainly not people who crossed a certain line. Once you make a choice that hurts others, there is no taking it back. No matter what you do, you can't walk back the consequences of your actions.

[ This is fine, absolutely fine (not it wasn't.)

He was well aware that they wouldn't see eye to eye when he spoke about Kira before, though. He just didn't think the argument would happen because of this. ]

It's true that there's some people who don't deserve it, but there are some who do. Especially those who didn't do anything to deserve such an end without trying to really make up for what they did.

[ ... ]

What gets me is that you assume that you deserve death, assuming that you let one person die, when it's not even been confirmed or set in stone that you had. But whether it was or not, you'd still think the same.

I can't agree with that, anything, or anyone whose ideals would be all for your senseless death.

Kira isn't just 'one person'. Kira was saving our whole global society. The crime rate has been reduced by 70% percent. Wars have all but stopped.

In a completely rotten world in which nobody could live safely or securely, Kira has begun establishing order.

Letting him die isn't a matter of failing to protect an individual, it's... It's sacrilege.

[ Goddess, Rean honestly couldn't understand why Mikami liked Kira so much, and he really wished the other didn't, but that ship had ostensibly sailed. ]

Mikami, even with our obvious disagreement here about how we feel about Kira, you're not perfect. No one is.

Sometimes, things happen we can't prevent, and you're not at fault for being in a situation where you couldn't act to protect the person most important to you. Not to mention, for goddess' sake, you don't even know the full details of how it happened!

If the situation was so out of your hands, how can you even say you had agency in what even happened?

Edited 2020-02-07 00:35 (UTC)

After Trial Mingle

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suicidal ideation cw

suicidal ideation cw, vaguely csii spoilers??

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